You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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