apparently the secret to your success is patron
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
