Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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