walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
