I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
