when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
