I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
