FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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