What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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