i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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