I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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