My Higher Power is John Stamos
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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