things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
