i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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