I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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