my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
