Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
the raccoons are back...
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