arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize