So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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