and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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