She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You may now shotgun with the bride
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
