Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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