She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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