I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
