was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
