I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
