Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Drunk is not a location!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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