note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
