Do vagina's smell?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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