i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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