I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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