I got chris browned last night
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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