Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
