How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
