My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
