Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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