: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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