oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
