What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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