my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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