i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
