They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
