P.S. I can't hear my feet
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
