Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
