I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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