So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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