You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
