Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
