Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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