Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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