Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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