Don't make out with my wife yet
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
