I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
