Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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