I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
