awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
