Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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