It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
