be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
